As heartfelt as your proposal was- I will NOT marry for money- especially to someone who still owes me $700. You r officially pathetic!!
I was high as a kite when I got pulled over by a cop and he asked me for my ID and if I had been smoking weed, I said no and gave him my debit card.
Never write on a napkin "my face, your boobs" with your phone number and give it to a girl. Just a tip of the day from my nightly experiences lol.
We need to hang out more often
I just jerked it so loud the neighbor banged on their floor. maybe my wife got the point
Well idk about you but my nose is all recovered for the weekend.
I already ran out of vodka but I have more beer. I just ran naked into the high school party down the street as took all theirs. ...figured no one wants to tackle the naked guy..
the girl peeing in the stall next to mine has really cute shoes. on a scale of 1 to restraining order, how weird would it be to compliment them from in here?
By the time the opening band finished, she was already slurring, coming on to the gay couple next to us, and waving her panties in the air.
It's only slutty if you don't have his number. Unless there's a full moon. Then anything goes.
Just threw up in front of the Boy Scouts on my base. Welcome to the Navy kids.
He walked into the bar, took a deep sniff and said "this place is fertile and ready for my seed" then calmly walked to the service area
Going to put that on my resume. "Only accidentally snapchatted my titties to all of my friends once."
Can you tell dad to stop liking and sharing porn on FB again?
Okay, I just reached peak living alone
I ate a piece of chocolate cake while jerking off
Look, if this is a cop, just lemme know that Mike is ok. Fuckin all star game
Randomize
