found a strand of your hair in my car. it's 1 ft 7 inches long
wtf you measured my hair?
A cab driver remembered me by name, address, and ex fuck buddys nick name from a year ago. I mustve been one memorable shit show.
Dude I'm 99% sure I'm witnessing an e-harmony date at panera, prob late 40's, this is better than the movies.
Two penises later: I might be straighter than I think.
remember, YOU ARE A WINNER
my dinner was a box of cheezits simultaneously mixed in with cocoa puffs and fried rice.
You were offering to spell people's name for a dollar.
He was like a foghorn with a huge penis.
There is a mirror in the headboard of the bed that I'm sleeping in so I can immediately question life choices when I wake up.
Hes pre-made beer lollipops so he "can suck before the sex" QUOTE!
You were my sober police. You had one job and you failed miserably.
I'm a corrupt cop.
It's been two dates and she just invited me to her aunts funeral. I can't even. Who the fuck does that? I need to drink I'm coming to get you in 5
Why did I ever allow that penis to enter my sacred temple?
Alright I'd bang a 4 sober, It's been like 3-4 weeks or how ever long 4th of July was ago. I wanna fuck something.
4th of July was 12 days ago. The date is literally in the text you just sent.
I don't care about the dates I just wanna bone something.
Emergency thong? Check! Suspension bondage is a go!
He's a freak. Not like "freak in the bed" freak but like "eats glue in the weekends" freak.
Randomize
