for halloween i should be pregnant. what is scarier than that?!
I'm drinking bacardi out of her mom's eco-green starbucks mug and chasing it with her sister's "for track only" vitamin water. Hello suburbia
i just walked downstairs to find my brother wearing a crossingguards vest and boxers. when i asked him where he got it he just looked at me, smiled, and kept feeding the dog yogurt
This is like a relationship, I expect to be mind blown at least once a week.
Just saw you drinking out of a flask on national tv. I've never been more proud of you
I'm currently day drinking, studying and making corn. Don't tell me what I can't do.
While all the other girls were trying to out skut the next, Cameron was just doing cartwheels around the bar. I think she's the only one who got laid.
I don't even care that his girlfriend will be there. Us hooking up is a tradition and she will NOT ruin it.
Why can't I hire someone to teach me how to be a decent human being?
Dude too much vodka. I think I just puked up my heart
That's what you get for taking that guy home. The god of sluttiness is frowning upon you.
Last night I flashed a car full of people my tits for a bag of pretzels so yeah I'd say I was at least tipsy.
The alcohol tastes like we did a beer run at the nail salon
You told her you double majored in Geology and Telekinesis. When has that line ever worked for you?
I've just had two stress filled days in a row , I'm just going to shower and await your penis
Never doubt me. I am drunk and unstoppable and I will finish this book
Randomize
