when im not freaking out about dying alone and unloved, i actually really enjoy being single
i had a dream that your penis turned into a long neck dinosaur
did it start talking like on Land before time?
Maury Povich's contact info is in our database at work...i should steal it right?
whatever, you made your decision to be a responsible student and where did it get you? a pushed back exam and no blowjob.
If you don't remember anything tomorrow, this is to remind you that you asked me in secret to build a bobsled with you and re-enact Cool Runnings.
It came up in court that I told the arresting officer my name was Thomas Jefferson, and I was born in 1776. I almost kept a straight face. Almost.
Oh shit I just realized the ropes are still tied to the bedposts
I woke up this morning in the house, I didn't realize it was physically possible to duct tape a person to the wall...
She refuses to believe she pulled down her pants and spanked her ass in front of us
You wore a man's plastic top hat last night.
No I didn't. Whiskey did.
I mean there are things broken right and left, I woke up surrounded by dog statues, and we had a vodka bubble bath.
I'm pathetic. I'm eating cream puffs in the bath and crying a little.
Next time I will hook the Xbox before I get high I spent 30minuts thinking I was playing the Simpsons game when it was in reality a tv episode
you were so drunk that when the mouse on your laptop didnt work anymore you decided to just take it into the bathroom and pee on it while laughing like a mad scientist.
First time not coming to this class high in a month and a half, never again will i put myself thru this torture
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