I admire a woman who can maintain dignity while puking after too much whiskey
I have funfetti in my underwear...will you come get me?
there should be a national holiday dedicated to how high i am
Bro, i just sang journey's "dont stop beleavin" at mcdonalds. and the guy was sooo impressed he gave us free food. God i love america
He got mauled by a 200lb cement boulder and all he could say in the back of the ambulance is 'I'm so getting laid for this'
And dont tell me its his job to cockblock me just because he's my boyfriend.
Woke up with his dick on the side of my face, it's like he passed out mid-mushroom stamp.
He can spot Burberry from half a bar away. He's not into vag
I happen to have lost a black t-shirt and the volume button from my phone last night. If anyone finds it. You know what to do.
If I had a dollar for every straight boy that questioned their sexuality because of me, I would live a comfortable middle-class life.
I want to start a guest book for my bed room so when dudes leave they can write a review
ok morning sex is a totally valid reason to come in late... ur good, cya in 20
Is it wrong for me to wish my cat had arms to get me a beer?
Yes. I had to slow down my handjob so he would last...-and I give shitty handjobs to begin with
He was eating me out on a samsung washing machine and as soon as I came, I heard the "end of cycle" song. That tune will now always remind me of the screaming, multiple orgasms I recieved tonight!
Randomize
