my phone needs a breathalizer
If penises could fly, my ass would totally be an airport.
Day 5 without masturbation. Fat chicks are back on the table
She insisted on fucking on the futon mattress on the floor, answered the phone call from her boyfriend who was on his way to pick her up, and then had the audacity to ask if I was clean
you're a fucking everclear ninja. the whole goddamn formal blacked out. you're the worst dj ever
but I'm the best friend ever. I got you laid
He said he wanted to make me his Twinkie, "filled with his delicious cream." ABSOLUTELY 100% NO YOU MAY NOT REPEAT ****NOT**** GIVE HIM MY NUMBER EVER EVER EVER. Please confirm receipt and full comprehension of this message.
I accidentally lit my hair on fire and we broke the bed. How was your night?
i have officially banned the recreational use of bayonets.
Why is your solution always to masturbate
Because it usually works
Henceforth: booty calls will now be referred to as "deliveries of anatomy". That is all.
The fact that he offered to stop once he stuck it in my ass was sadly the most considerate thing anybody's ever done for me.
new dating motto: let your guard down, not your panties
Don't mention it
Just endorse me for cunnilingus on LinkedIn
Why do I have a separate credit card just for booze? Because I saved enough points so Saturday we are flying to Denver to smoke legal weed and fly back in the same day.
I told him I was on my period but he says "I'm a doctor, you think I can't handle blood?" And just went for it. Jackpot
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