Dude, no joke... I lost my wedding ring in some skank last night
You wouldn't stop crying and screaming Hilary Duff doesn't deserve Gossip Girl
Beer Popsicles are better in theory
The AC broke so he ended up sleeping in the front yard and left his one night stand on the couch.
Because of his penis, I can't even look at a hot dog
You don't realize it's a small world until your ex girlfriend's dad unintentionally messages you on grindr..what.the.fuck.
I said to him "i can't have sex with anyone in my friend's living room" then he said "we can move the air mattress into the kitchen"
Because I'm a hot mess throwing up in the litter box
stop fucking thinking about him when there is A MILLION OTHER PENISES TO RIDE IN THE WORLD
i just got referred to as "the Loch Ness Cockster". God bless my Scottish heritage.
My lighter is stuck in my beard.
WHY IS THERE A FUCKING DILDO IN PLACE OF MY GEAR SHIFTER IN MY CAR?
Once he bit me I drew the fucking line.
His 89 y/o father walked in on us. Judging by the gasp/moan, I don't think the 1920s prepared him to see another dude inside his son.
Do you know who changed all my phone contacts into characters from Harry Potter?
He Who Must Not Be Named.
Fuck you.
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