either we just had an earthquake or I am really good @ masturbating
Latest life lesson : don't accidentally send an "I nutted on her tramp stamp" text to your tattoo-less girlfriend. Oops.
Just boiled hotdogs in bongwater. NOT a good idea.
So I'm driving and this guy next to me at the stop light is reving his engine and honking at me. Motherfucker thinks that's because I'm asian and drive a honda I'm automatically going to race him
Girls only wine night turned into a sloppy drunk lesbian orgy again
Chipotle chips and wine for breakfast. Its def game day
I'm sorry to inform you but your friends with benefits card has expired has the beginning of the year. If you wish to renew your card you must submit a picture of a fully erect penis. Please note that not all request for a FWB card is accepted.
We're gonna have the chick that teaches kindergarteners to fold origami roll the joints.
There were gay boys and a jukebox. It was like god wanted me to.
3 a.m. laundry plus 100 proof peppermint schnapps does not turn out well. Not only is there a puddle of detergent outside the laundry room that I spilled, but my clothes were found in the dryer wit a box of Franzia and a 40. Good thing I was too drunk to turn it on.
i think they forgot i was still in the room... she grabbed his balls and said "i feel a fire coming on".
As a matter of fact, I am on the treadmill with the Bottle of UV Blue as we speak.....
I really wanted to suck your dick, but I also didn't want to miss any of the movie
I work 80 hours a week to prevent myself from just laying in bed and masturbating all day. It's a hands off strategy.
I cannot lay down. I will throw up my life and your life and the class hamster I had in third grade.
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