weed salsa. i deserve a nobel prize
Fat girl left in a hurry. Possibly had to do with the missing bathroom door in my apartment.
Like, actually questioning if you ate dog shit last night
Yea, I had a chaperone thankfully. I'm in the fetal position attempting to eat captain crunch now.
ALWAYS CAPS LOCK. IS THERE EVER A SITUATION THAT DOES NOT CALL FOR CAPS LOCK? NO.
Sexting? Sexting in caps lock seems rather unnerving.
I WANT YOUR BODY AND I WANT IT NOW.
I rest my case.
I was dancing with a blow torch in one hand and a bowl of weed in the other
Is it unethical to trim my bush hair with the scissors from my office?
oh. oh my god. i just had lunch with my mom with semen still on my face.
Single lady's Saturday night: eat doritos, masturbate, eat more doritos. Do shot of Jager. Repeat until desired result is achieved.
Oh and it took quite a bit of doing, but I managed to wipe my butt with the hat you left in my car
So if I run into you on the street, I'm supposed to just stop drop and suck your dick?
the insurance claim form from last night says foreign object removal from genitourinary tract so as far as the insurance company knows, it could have been a gerbil
Note to self, the correct response when a guy tells you he likes you as a person is not "ew"
You planned on giving him head in the shower?
More like I just fell and it seemed like a good idea when I was down there
I keep worrying she's gonna have a repeat of the time the ceiling fan was talking in Chinese
Randomize
