Remember that dream I told you about where I shit out my own skeleton? I had it again last night.
i hit her car. ill just send her a farmville gift in the morning. then it'll be alright.
I don't care where my tongue is but i t's going to be in all the pictures.
totally poinked my lawyers daughter in his hot tub last night. i figure getting off is just compensation for not getting me off.
making an appointment with student health services to check out my pinkeye on 4/20. they are going to thing this is such a joke
Alright this has to stop. Without adderall I don't even have the motivation to get laid. College has ruined me.
I hid drinks in her bathroom closet.... like a squirrel... a squirrel who knew she was going to get cut off soon
Evidently I told a girl she should leave the bar because no one wanted to fuck her.
Off topic, but is it sad that Matthew and I are calculating how much sex we need to have in order to work off a taco bell burrito?
Telling someone to make good decisions on a Thursday is like telling Santa to be Jewish.
I’ve cut back on drinking and now my body can’t fight off all the bad germs without the alcohol. That’s why I keep getting sick
Was make out with a 38 year old lesbian on our bucket list? if it was you can go ahead and cross that one off.
Alan said you can come over and eat me out anytime you want, as long as we give him enough notice to hide in the closet before we arrive
I didn’t want to see that boob. I told her not to show me but she said “no, I’m going to show you”
She looked like a cross between Jesus and John Lennon. So I fucked her. I feel majestic and powerful.
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