he told me I talked like a deaf person
I saw a girl walking around campus with bandages on both her knees. I need to get her number.
i was way too optimistic last night... got back to my apartment and the porch light was still on, like i'd actually make it all the way home.
I just made an agreement with this milf to shoot her daughters wedding in exchange for blow jobs. Going pro was the best choice I ever made.
I'm working on finding a bottomless situation. Both pants and mimosas.
Like you know your sex life is in a downward spiral when your best friend offers to sext you from Ireland
You threw up in your own shoe then wore it home
We were just getting out tux's at men's warehouse he pulled both of the fitting room girls. I dont think he should be getting married
So... remember when you threw an orange in the closet when we were 16 to make wine? Just found it. Not wine.
omg so there's this guy on the roof and he just stripped for no reason and now i think he's making out on the rooftop with some other guy? who are these people
My neighbor came out@4am in a pink nite gown n clotheslined a punk on a mo-ped w/her mop handle, then just walked back in her house like she just checked the mail. MILF 1 PUNK 0
I just ate the lyft drivers bacon cheeseburger. Well fuck me this night escalated quickly.
The cat was building a spaceship out of the carpet, my legs were cans of tomato sauce, and there was something else in that pot you gave me.
I'm going to get him a gold star sticker and put it on his dick
I think it stinks she’s cheating on him. My vagina on the other hand is tingly thinking about a summer of sexual healing
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