So this snow storm is NOT helpin my masturbation problem
Had her hockey skates on in the house. Whole floor is ruined.
he somehow instantly knew i was from vermont.
it probably had something to do with chasing your soco with maply syrup.
She cut off the top of a watermelon and is now eating it with a spoon. She's more than half done.
You are not about to raise that baby deer, you can BARELY raise yourself... Return it to it's mom now.
This is the second time in a week I've woken up with your bra in my bed and I've had to sit and think about how it happened.
You are going to be so proud of me, I'm wearing underwear AND tights. That's two layers more than usual between my vagina and the world.
You called me at 4am shouting drunk shit about Poland and asking me to 'come out and play.' Where the fuck were you?
Poland
He wants me to have his first child. So that makes four gay men that've called dibs on my eggs.
its not that I hate him, it's just that I wish his penis was attached to someone i like more
They tried to dine n dash at dennys and the waiter jumped on their car and broke their windshield
He tried to tip me with his police badge...
and you didn't accept WHY?!
I wouldn't marry anyone who wouldn't symbolically fuck a doughnut with a sausage though.
I told some guy on tinder, that apparently has a prosthetic leg, that I think we started off on the wrong foot. I hate myself...
I just gargled with NyQuil
Randomize
