It took him longer to undo my bra than he lasted..
Just accidentally pinched my dick between two 50 pound dumbbells while doing shoulder shrugs. God hates me.
the can pyramid on my head actually reached a decent height before I moved.
You think they'd ask my permission before turning Pajamarama into an orgy. I saw too many of my friends dicks at once the door got kicked down.
Be honest with Daniel. He was a good rebound to you for nine months and he made it so you could be with the one you really love and care for now. Just tell him thanks and best of luck.
its safe to say i can delete the contact in my phone "brandon random bus make out" from spring break right?
What if this is the rest of my life? Sitting at the bar waiting for someone to play Single Ladies
you can officially check off peeing off the 5th floor while shouting "I want to break the guinness world record for longest piss stream" off your college to do list.
I think my hopes are too high for this one. The only other bachelorette party I've been to I was felt up by a Chippendale's dancer and smoked a joint with the party bus driver.
Blackout me just wants to pee on sober me's dreams. Literally.
Just saw a guy with two baby turtles sneaking into the building
My mom just sent me this: "I like Jon, but he needs to be the one going down on you! Yeah, we saw your head pop up in your car last night."
He kept telling me Te Amo last night. Over and over. And that he was scared. Drunkenly. In Spanish.
Why did I see a weird snapchat of you barking at McDonald's last night?
Fun FACT Saturday: Semen is great for my acid reflux
Randomize
