all thats left of you is your magnum wrapper on my dresser
The lady at the touchless car wash just gave me the look of death. How do I say, "sorry it's not my puke" in Spanish?
we have 69 mutual friends...i have to add her
I love you, but you should know I'll always ditch you for weed.
oh my god. were standing in the kitchen and were chanting "EYEBROWS" and shaving peoples eyebrows. I have work tomorrow and want to keep my eyebrows.
I'm gonna have sex with my clothes on and I'll know everyone there so I'll be in my comfort zone
I'll just put on a bunch of mascara and cry right before I get there. Then everyone will recognize me.
He taped a champagne bottle to both his hands and called himself edward champagne hands. At one point he poured some on his lap and said " Just needed to make sure my dick got some too"
Never have i felt more judged than when i was throwing up in front of a hello kitty shower curtain at 5 in the morn
let me just inform you that suppository-ing xanax is glorious
Did you just email Kelly and I gay dinosaur erotica?
Well as if this year didn't suck enough already, I can now count 2015 as the year I got chlamydia
lets face it, we have a liquor cabinet with a designated chocolate shelf
When campus security rolled up he stole their car and drove it like 100 feet. Then he walked up and gave back the keys because it was a hyundai.
If sleeping with your boss doesnt scream job security i dont know what does.
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