3:12 am: but i thought i was coming over tonight, don't fall asleep i wore new underwear
Turn sideways at McDonald's = actual directions to a winery
He's trying to kill me, one liver cell at a time. It's going to be a slow, but awesome death
i have a strong feeling i fucked one of the waiters here...
oh dont worry, my liver will give out way before i get skin cancer
this is getting really bad. i thought the chandelier in the dining room was one of those claws from the claw games in an arcade and i spent the past five minutes jumping left to right so the claw wouldn't grab me
I'm currently sitting on the floor of a hostel reception area taking swigs of straight vodka, singing with people whose English doesn't go far beyond Lion King songs. I thought you might appreciate it.
Matt just ate a burger out of the trash can in front of the McDonalds. We need to have a serious talk about his drinking.
On a not really funny at all but kinda brighter note I've gotten really good at texting in hand cuffs
Getting dressed and listening to the song Buffalo Bill danced to in Silence of the Lambs. I'm a perfect psych major.
Also I'm eating leftovers with a pair of bullet removal forceps (unused) because I don't have a fork.
I woke up this morning with a tampon in my nose and food EVERYWHERE...
All I remember is grabbing a random guys dick at the bar and him just saying thank you and us taking a shot together
Ask him to BK for an ice cream cone and do him in the car. That counts as a date
I want you to remember that you started masturbating in front of a car full of people. That drunk.
Randomize
