She announced her abortion via fbk
One of my friends found 6 bags of gummy bears on the roof. He lives a building over. Apparently even hammered you still have quite an arm
He taught me how to drive a stick by using his dick. He even made the whurrrr noise so I knew when to change gears.
I dont think she was a real nurse but she was good at it. wish I rememebrd her name
I felt that there wouldn't be enough planB and forgiveness to go around
We now only communicate via Xbox messages. Living together is so easy
Somebody really needs to come home and pick up the used condom from the middle of the wood room floor. It's blue, if that helps decide who comes - uh, home.
The second I see you we're shot gunning beers
It's gonna be 8 o'clock in the morning
And your point is?
Marry me
I'm putting my hangover kit in my car for the trip to work tomorrow morning. Dedication
When you wake up, I have a unicorn coloring book, crayons, mini cupcakes, and booze.
Yeah yeah I know I have to bring your dog back.
My roommate just google searched "cumming blood" using my laptop. Her boyfriend is in her room, she looks scared. Words cannot explain how hilarious this is.
I woke up with sticky red stuff all over my sheets, face, and chest. Apparently after I blacked out I thought eating ribs in bed was a good idea
Sorry for peeing on your books last night. I wouldn't leave them next to the window anymore.
The neighborhood cougar just purred at me while I was doing yard work. I’m terrified and tumescent
Randomize
