4:12a: just got back to his place now. I don't want to talk about it
Goddamnit I hate your level headedness
Sex on a trampoline was so worth getting a mosquito bite on my penis
im returning my roomates shirt with a "i got laid in this" thank you note
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
My mom can no longer prohibit me from smoking pot..I sell to her boyfriend.
i wish there was a photo editing effect that fully opened my drunk eyes
If I EVER think it's a good idea to blow someone who just showed me their synchronized swimming performance on youtube again please correct me immediately.
Chris threw beer can at guy. Guy ended up being a fighter. Chris got his eye socket broke. Fighter got hand re-broke. Chris is passed out. Fighter is in kellys bed. everybody won last night. I think.
Just made a list of all the guys I've hooked up with. "Roofie tattoo eyelids", "xanex night guy", "rainy concert", "cory blanket" and "naked hottub guy" made it.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Ya know what's been the best part of this College Football Season? Not having to hear Brent Musberger say the Honey Badger 77 fucking times.
if the furniture in my bedroom wasn't shape shifting... this would be a different story.
I'm hungover during 4th grade graduation practice. I AM THEIR FUTURE.
I had to reschedule my trainer meeting so now I'm just here eating hot pockets
YOUR VAGINA IS SO CUTE IT'S LIKE A LITTLE MACAROON
I don't know when he had the time to do it but he dug a hole in our basement like the shawshank redemption
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