Are you kidding me. My sex life has diminshed to having wet dreams about jerking off.
can we please take bets on how much therapy you'll need in the future?
You deserve yourself a blunt and a build a bear.
Babe, the 4 years we've been together have been amazing. Will you marry me?
are you seriously doing this over text message
hahaha no, but i am dumping you.
i was about to cum until he started doing shrek impressions.
Im done having sex . he ruined it for me after he said " can we use my penis as a shovel ?"
Once you mention butt plugs, conversations always take a turn for the worst.
Yay! Also. When you're coming down eat waffles and touch yourself. You won't regret it.
I smell like bonfire and ex-boyfriends
THEYRE FUCKING GOLD
Are you talking about the color of my tits or the quality of my nudes cause both are
Do we have to do this party tonight? I'm worried my bed will miss me...
God I love dating single dads. They've got their shit at least a little bit together and there's always snacks after sex. #nakedfruitrollups
This chick walked up to me in the bar and started making out with me, then grabbed my drink while I wasn't looking and walked off.
He had me sit on his face until I begged him to stop, then held me there 5 minutes longer. I rested my head on his chest, told him I needed time to recover....and slept for 6 hours. By the time I woke, he was already at work. I just sent him a countdown times until his shift is over.
What you have to understand is that our lives aren't a disappointment so much as they crashed and burned with lethal doses of radiation and dog shit.
Randomize
