Do you think he likes his girlfriend's moustache?
The bartender told me the best pick-up line was to look deep into her eyes and tell her your gonna flick her vagina
they could make at least 3 episode of "i shouldn't be alive" out of my weekend
Drunkenly found an error on my bar tab last night. THANK YOU ACCOUNTING.
you kept going on about how you couldnt haven been the one throwing up because you were peeing in circles.
I'm in a hotel full of Marines. I'm leaving here pregnant.
Babe. You eat pussy like a god warrior sent from a galaxy far far away to destroy female genitalia with new realms of pleasure. That's how I know your not gay.
Today wasn't Sunday Funday, it was more like Sunday god is taking a shit on my life day
We did a lot of coke and Bedazzled the couch. It seemed like a good idea at the time.
Remember that time you came over to my house and I was on the porch naked and eating peanut butter?
After he finished he sang his college fight song like it was some victory
You peed on a pole and declared to a cop that it was your pole and yelled at him to not even look at it, and then yelled at all of us for looking at it.
I found a new button on my vibrator, tonight was a success
I'm sorry I didn't get you anything for your birthday
It's just you didn't get me the fucking bear suit last year
Any idea why my ass cheeks are bruised again?
The fact that theyre bruised AGAIN means you're not adult enough to know why.
Randomize
