i just got the best bj of my life in the pastors office at church.. Youre right jesus really does love me.
my mom hid the smirnoff from me. this is the most fucked up game of hide and seek EVER
Changed my sheets. Found a can of rockstar, crushed bag of tostitos, used tissues, and enough of both of our clothes to make a whole outfit.
If you weren't supposed to have sex with your ex then they wouldn't rhyme.
I can't get a boner in the bathroom of a buffet.
I loved your drunken rendition of "I wanna dance with somebody" that you left on my voicemail last night.
She said she couldn't sleep with a guy who had blood stains on his ceiling. I tried to explain it wasn't my blood, but she still left :(
I feel like I shouldn't have to explain to you why giving your cat weed was a bad idea.
be warned: you might find a baby hampster in my bra
Is it wrong that I want to do a nude photo shoot with nothing but a light saber?
That awful moment when there is no more beer and you find yourself considering tequila and aloe juice.
I'm drunk, I'm covered in pizza, and I'm watching Jurassic Park. I feel like you'll get this. xx
What alcohol should i drink Saturday to completely hate life?
we're in NC now and so far we've smoked a blunt in every state with the exception of Tennessee which we accidentally went to
I'm going to need you to stop harassing my professor on Twitter when you're drunk.
Randomize
