No matter how drunk I am, I will take the time to wipe a pube off the toilet seat.
You just left with that feminine looking guy you kept calling "Jessica." Just giving the heads up.
I wish I had a dollar for every time I've slept off a late night I dont want to remember in my recliner.
dude, she was giving me a lapdance and her thong had a skid mark. no I did not hit it.
Of course my walk of shame coincided with the alumni marathon on campus. But, I did get a thumbs up from the woman handing out water.
I feel like death gave me a hand job
All I want is for every tall lanky young guy who is reading in a Starbucks to go balls deep in me. That's all.
He was dressed as a cowboy and he was dancing with my ex roommate. So I took his gun and pistol whipped him with it..then somehow we still slept together..
You were greeting everyone with " Hi I'm Jess show me your dick" whether they were dudes or not.
So... Really random... You know we only exist cause Dad misspelled 'perseverance', right?
So I was putting on a condom and looked to my right to not make eye contact, she said did you just look at the American flag while putting that on. I said this one's for Team USA.
We had sex on his grandparents floor... the taxidermy deer was staring at me the whole time!
I think sunday funday got a little out of control. There is cheese slices and BBQ sauce all over the roof and 4 empty bottles of vodka in my room.
you're telling me you don't want to have sex 30,000 feet above the earth?
These girls next to us are doing shots called bath salts. Sadly this is the classiest bar I've been to since i moved to PA
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