mid puke you looked up at me and asked if it was your turn to sing
I just won 10 dollars from out chugging the bar tender and I found out that the baby aint mine in the last hour. I don't even care if l get laid tonight any more.
get to allyx's house asap
Ok is everything ok
Yeah, theres just lesbians
omg yes on my way
They have an open bar at this baby shower. I was born to be Cuban.
Welcome to texting with Mike. You're now leaving the sober section and headed to our insanely high bad decision making portion of mike. Enjoy the trip.
After all the hair products he's stolen from me, he better fucking be gay.
the only way to explain how i feel is someone rolled me down a big fucking hill and then a dog came a took a huge ruthless shit in my mouth at the bottom
We found you facedown on his couch in a pile of cheerios, with only one shoe on. Dude you said you were staying in last night.
Oh hey. I left my beer there. Beer is more important than my pride. I want to pick that up.
Have you seen our bachelor? He's MIA. Last seen being led to some hookers by Kanye look-a-like.
When and where the fuck did we get a beach ball??
God dammit. My lube leaked all over my passport
Lol I'm not having group sex with you, that apron is fuckin awesome tho
The fact that you screamed, "Alf is my spirit animal!" is proof enough that we're too old for peyote.
It’s like my vagina just knows when a man is a barrel-chested freedom fighter.
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