A good ear swabbing is more orgasmic than sex with him
Places you have drunkenly threatened to piss: my bed, my bros bed, my moms bed, my bros wedding
So he told me he didn't have a condom, paused, and then said "so, pulling out" and tried to high five me.
Wife passed out. Doing shots with the hot bartender... Don't tell me I don't know how to celebrate a 1yr anniversary
Home, forcing the cats to make out. Someone should get some.
i'm sorry i gave your brother a handjob while you were on the blanket next to us, but to be fair your back was turned.
I have an odd instinct I wont find my underwear tonight
I learned 3 things lastnight....1. Turkeys are related to the t-rex. 2. Whales have leg bones cause they used to walk. 3. I will sing drunk in the waffle house, but not during karaoke in the bar
I am ina trunk. Iam in a trunnnnnjkk. I hope its yours. Oh manomanomano. Thids better be your trunk
I sliced my fucking arm open last night after margarita madness and had to drive myself to the ER. Got six stitches and a social worker came in and asked if I was abused due to my sex bruises. I literally had to tell her "don't worry, I like it rough"
I almost put an adult beverage in my sippy cup for the beach but realized the next step would be rehab.
No the next step is being buzzed at the beach. I would've.
Also I'm proud of us for having an educational conversation in this group text.
It says a lot about the way my life is going right now that 'there's no shit in your house' is fucking good news.
starting to feel like a fuck wizard with a magical sixth sense for people fucking.
I feel like I'm in high school again. I'm completely sober and I just gave some guy a handjob to completion.
Randomize
