also, made friends with this 75 year old millionaire Tony who likes to mosh. Don't ask.
I just had unprotected sex with a stranger. but i did him wearing nothing but my pearls. so its classy.
I just jerked it to the same porn two nights in a row... and she says I have problems with commitment...
and that's when the elephants and penises started dancing on the ceiling
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I walk of shamed back from his dorm in costume while his dad and brother were waiting outside to drive him home. his dad apologized to me. my life never gets old.
No she had like 2 shots and started ironing her clothes and whispering random shit in my ear
My drunk neighbor is arguing with a goose in his yard. This was the highlight of my day.
Obama's speech on in 9 mins. Me in the shower now. Naked. Make your choice.
I'm bringing the tv in with me.
The fact that me being able to walk down stairs is an accomplishment in my books pretty much explains how I am
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Listen, dont tell me about your day or that your mom is in town. Don't ask me to drive you to the airport or proofread your paper. Text me when and only when you have a boner. Oh and take your pants off and leave your front door unlocked because I'm coming over.
From the bottom of my heart, thanks for never sending me unsolicited dick picks.
My ex's psycho new girlfriend found my vibrator I forgot at his place. Apparently she didn't find it as funny as I did. 😂
I went out to dinner with the girls thinking I'd be home early. Instead I ended up in the Englishman's hotel room. Long Live The Queen.
Ah Christ I think I've reached the single life mentality 100%. I just inquired a photographer about a photo shoot with my dog.
I'm pretty sure the cop knew you were drunk when you tried to light your cigg with a chapstick.
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