Uh i was pretty wasted sat, so if i was weird it wasnt me. It was just vodka bein weird w my phone
Tonite tequila might call you
Be prepared
I decided to name my penis gatorade...is it in you?
new call of duty comes out in november. guess im not passing my finals
Just bought a disco ball for 5 dollars, of course we're drinking tonight.
the $20 limit for secret santa doesn't apply to me cause you know a half gram of coke is more than $20
Someone shattered a urinal.
Just wait til you visit, there will be an endless supply of fresh dick for your demand #economics
Friendly reminder that on the walk home you tripped but instead of falling to the sidewalk, you tried to save it and ended up headbutting my ex-boyfriend in the balls. ILU.
The front camera on the 5S is SO much better. This is great development for my international sexting.
Sometimes you have a glimmer of a heart and then I immediately remember you are dead inside.
I RAN OVER A NUN! I RAN OVER A FUCKING NUN! GOD WILL NEVER FORGIVE ME FOR MY SINS NOW!!!
At one point of the night i was standing at the bar and 3 of them had their hands down my pants, they were like thumb wrestling for it.
I'm gonna adopt her diet plan of secretly sleeping w a desperate ex... It combines excersise & loss of appetite due to guilt
Being single again makes you realize how guys can go from licking your asshole one night to never texting you again
The cure for a hangover evidently is not walking around in a costume in the sun towards of park of screaming children
Randomize
