Why don't I have your new number? And who have I been texting?
My cousins just decided to make a catapult to spread my Grandpa's cremated remains. I love my family.
Answer the phone when I call you in a second. Just got pulled over for getting road head, going to secretly put you on speaker phone, this should be good
I just googled "semen solvent" and got nothing. there has to be something that will wash this shit off!
I see a marketing opportunity
you told the bartender not to open the bottle because you were gonna put it in your purse in case you get cut off later
he had two deer mounted on his dorm room wall with panties and bras hanging from the antlers... i cant believe i contributed to bambi's headgear...
And the cops told us we were all naked.
let's get a trip to cabo together for next spring... they have to have forgotten about me by now
is it possible i asked you to give me a preliminary pap smear?
I'm in the fetal position watching the little mermaid and trying not to die. When do you come home?
Sorry, I know you're at the airport but a gram of coke is missing so good luck with security!
My favorite part of you downing a fifth of fireball in my apartment by yourself is the shot glass in the sink. It's like you attempted moderation and were just like "Fuck this."
Well, I got drunk and told my family about what I expected sexually after a good first date.
I really wish you were home bc youre the only friend I could ask to use an at home waxing kit on my vagina. I need you.
It took me twenty minutes to read that sentence.
All I said was okay...
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