well yea, now i know i won't get hair in my teeth...
I just encountered the most annoying guy on the planet. I wanted to slap his milkshake out of his fat-boy hands while he was talking to me at the same time as slurping his liquid fat.
I love milkshakes.
Not the point.
Oh I also wanted to thank you for leaving your list of porn sites on the coffee table. Very entertaining.
You only ask me to come over when your gf is gone, and thats usually at midnight to cook chicken salad and watch you pass out
He told the cop he was underage, handed the cop his ID, and the police report read "I then informed the suspect that he was not, in fact, underage"
We left live chickens on the basement slip n slide. Good luck finding your car keys
Her virginity is one of the last things that remains of our childhood.
so when our kids ask "when did you know you loved mommy?" you're gonna say "when she sent me emoticons about slobbing on my knob?"
you're usually drunk when you offer. there's one time you called me, told me not to dye my hair red, and asked if i wanted to see your tits.
I literally just biked home like I was on the last leg about to win the tour du France. Fuck diarrhea
Chipotle just hit me... I want to go sit in the corner of the shower and cry until morning.
I was loaded. my pee still has a hint of lime
In other news, Justin Bieber has a big dick and that makes me uncomfortable.
You can't just drop that I might be walking into a foursome and leave it at that
He was married to his college girlfriend for 20 years. Just give him the blow job he’s been fantasizing about since last century and he’ll be wrapped around your little finger
Randomize
