dude you just took shreks wife home. what the fuck is wrong with you
when a bears hungry he eats besides shes got her nipples pierced
currently pooping in a public restroom while drinking free beer. there has never been a finer line between awesome and depressing.
Just heard my neighbor say "I'm just gonna lay down in a coma until someone comes into my room and hands me a beer." He's got his priorities straight
Best part of being a cop: When I showed up at Thanksgiving with stitches in my head I could tell them I was "protecting and serving" not "drinking and falling down". Career validated.
Until you wake up with a Hustler club stripper in the next room whose nipple you were coerced to lick at Snake & Jake's after breaking up a fight between an Indian and a Filipino, I don't wanna hear about your weird.
Have u seen my thong? Last time i saw it was drenched in vodka and on his brothers broken lamp.
Nah but tell him his boxers made it to the basement
I finally got out of bed at 8:30pm and my little brother informed me that I had cereal stuck to my back. I'm going to smoke a cigarette and go back to sleep.
Why even have a ground level apt if you're not gonna let me climb out the window? I hate walk of shaming in front of toddlers...
You just get me....like our souls are boning in the spirit world
The crowd is chanting "we want sex!" There's a man dressed as bacon. That is all
He came in two seconds and stole my pizza so I'm not counting it.
You must have my penis confused with someone else's...which is disappointing
I just used my dick as to measure where my desk would go because I don't have a tape measure or a ruler.
Is it uncouth to masturbate the night before a gyno appointment?
maybe you met your husband and you just don't know it yet
and other hilarious jokes you can tell yourself
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