Currently standing on top of my parents leather couch with no pants on playing helicoptor with my penis. You?
It was so good the neighbors even had a cigarette.
I'm wearing boardshorts as underwear to work. This is bachelorhood
in the past 3 nights i've fucked a millionaire, a drug dealer and a civil engineer... i dont really have a "type" anymore
Last time we were that stoned we made a "everything you can fit in the blender" shake. Didn't end well..
she says she's going to shake me awake in 15min intervals if I pass out
this was your mom?
You also thought the cure to hiccups was drowning yourself (and you were right)
I found your dog. Now we are bros, so he is staying. Don't call, don't make it weird.
So apparently having sex with your co-worker in the bathroom at the staff party can get you fired.
On a scale from 1 to total dick, how inappropriate is it to pick your boyfriend up from rehab with a hangover?
Afternoon delight is playing while I take a shit at mcdonalds
I really need to get to the point where I can poop at his house. I’ve taken three shits on the way home already.
You still owe me one bodily function mess clean up.
You pee on the floor one time and you never hear the end of it...
You can't say that. Only if you have peed on the side of the highway in daylight while signing Christmas songs can you say that.
And then he tried to convince me that he could wear a condom instead of pants to go out.
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