if i die, you can have my worn out liver and american apparel deep v's.sell the liver to a chinese restaurant
how to cook rice: 1. put random amount of rice and water in a pot 2. have sex on the kitchen floor. when you are done having sex the rice is ready
does anyone know how to get red sharpie out of a white cat?
im still trying to figure out who put the honey mustard in the blender then put the entire blender into the freezer
Just saw a dude hanging out a window upside down chugging a 60 of vodka. This weekend is big for everyone I guess
she wouldn't play beer pong with me unless I took off the rollerskates.
I think "I actually like giving blow jobs better" qualifies her as a keeper
Bright side: maybe hell start being nice to you now that you know he has erectile dysfunction.
Anyhow, I am sorry for being obnoxious about wanting more sex and forcing you to eat lunchmeat off of my ginormous nipples. I knew that you weren't going to succumb to my pushy demands
I forced myself to puke in my garbage can, and the next day I bought a new one and burnt the old one. You could say it was a rough night
His status said "sad." of course I liked it. I don't even care that I was the only one. Facebook isn't your god damn journal, we don't care about your problems.
ok so i took my anxiety medication and i'm eating junior mints and i think my vagina will be ok
ever bang a guy wearing an $800 suit? today you will.
I feel like this is something I should shave my legs for
His family, without saying anything, started a game of quarters the moment the drinks arrived. I love them. If only I didn't hate him so much.
You were arrested in a tiara again... maybe you shouldn’t wear one.
Randomize
