i feel like the song jizz in my pants was made for him.
gotta love it when a reminder comes up on your phone and u think u forgot about a meeting or something then u read it and its only to remind me to go to the titty bar at 3
My friend is getting herself a tramp stamp that says "property of the half blood prince".
I think I'm going to make a pina klonopin before class.
He legit pounded my cooking wine, because he was to cheap to buy beer. He is so not getting any.
How much did you drink?
Enough to be hungover and still think roller coasters were a good idea
yo btw licking skeptical coke off table right now
The guy at the door just stared only at my boobs and said "I'm gonna let you in." 'Merica
We really gotta change brands again because 2-ply is making us feel like the celebrities we aren't.
Everybody needs breakup sex. You just happened to get yours from a dude who hasn't reached the point of breakup yet. No biggie.
I'll truly miss your penis but your use of words and phrases such as bae, yolo, swag, and totes have ruined how attractive you once were.
His front door was open but I INSISTED on army crawling FOOT FIRST under the garage door. Then I peed the bed.
They say find what you're good at... Evidently that's showing up late for everything, drinking, and eating cheese for me.
Is that your Nuva ring on the floor? Shit must have gotten crazy
I just woke up with a cowboy hat on my face and a playboy from the 90s on my chest
Randomize
