Should I go home with him even though I know my Run DMC undies have skid marks on them?
My phone has seen less use in the last three days than Tom Brady's condoms.
she said she'd blow me if I bought one of her sorority raffle tickets. Goddamn it's gettin easy
Chillin with my Grandpa and my grandma tells us there is a tornado warning. My grandpa then says "We'll go hang out in the basement, we can bring the keg with us." This is why I love coming home
He said "ride me pocahontas" while I was on top of him last night
The main two things I remember from last night is you "spanking Katey into reality" and watching her barf in terror.
him being a republican bothers me way more than his coke problem.
Sometimes while peeing I'll go hands free, put my arms up by my chest and make claw hands, and pretend I'm a new type of dinosaur called Dickosaurus Rex.
A big toe in my vag is not foreplay.
when I die covered in cocaine, hookers, and tequila at 73 years old just remember that I once had a tweet with that many retweets
My mom is selling her car. I'm secretly relieved I won't ever have to tell her about that time you puked in it
We can't go out this weekend. My uterus is so desperate it's given me permanent beer goggles
With my son watching me, I pulled down my pants and shit in her trash can.
Took it for the first time last night, and i saw a giant pillsbury boy coming after me with a wrench in his hand.
I remember is someone saying "I smell weed" and then having a room full of sober high school kids look at me.
Randomize
