who the fuck tagged pancake nipples on my profile picture?
My girlfriend and my fuck buddy both started their periods this weekend. The good news is, neither of them are pregnant. The bad news is, I'll have to find someone else to fuck til next weekend. No wait.....that's good news too.
Dude someone is playing the piano in the other room while I shit and it's making it really peaceful
New scientific discovery: The hypothetical attractiveness of a woman increases exponentially as her skirt:boot ratio approaches zero. Nobel Prize in my future?
I stayed at the bar and helped clean up cause I was told I'd get free shots. Didn't happen.
maybe i'll make good life choices and keep my legs closed. periodically txt me friday and saturday night saying "baby carrot round 2" that should stop me.
Just realized that St. Patty's is on a Saturday this year in case you were interested in coming to New York and redefining bender with me.
I got a second ticket last night for drunkly using my one call to order a pizza and get it delivered at the police station
I drunk-cried for all conjoined twins everywhere the other day.
yeah the cable guy is coming and everybody is hiding all the pieces in the house. we are up to thirty two. like a fun game of smokable scavener hunt.
Why are you surprised? I've only ever liked older guys since I was a 3 yr old crushing on her pediatrician.
if memory serves, the guy you were hooking up with said he was a slutty skittle.
Just reminding you that you are currently drunk spooning a chair saying it "loves you unconditionally". No more rum.
I will take a ruler to your dick so help me god
Just looked at the TV in the bar for the weather report. Didn't want to walk home drunk during a tornado warning
Randomize
