Theres a random in my bed. Omg but at least he's a law student?
So, just so you know... Your vasectomy worked.
bonus
k so who do I think I'm kidding applying to culinary school? I just fucked up a microwaveable pizza
When I say rough sex, and show you scars from past encounters, pulling my hair a little IS NOT GOING TO CUT IT. And he just doesn't understand.
JOY: That feeling when you crack open a handle for the first time, and the flow limiter comes off with the cap.
You were walking around in your swim suit, an open robe, snow boots and a death grip on that handel of captain morgan.
You started throwing frozen shot glasses at people and you kept saying "it's fine, they melt."
I might have beaten my fastest all time record going from "I really really like this girl" to "fuck that bitch"
I'm at a bar. It's body paint Wednesday. All of the waitresses are topless. Help me
woke up in the back seat of my car with a naked chick and my brother tapping on the window. yup, what a night
This was the fourth year in a row I got arrested at Pride. Pretty sure that qualifies me as a legend.
It looked like Halloween in bed... BECAUSE HE BIT MY PUSSY AND I BLED ALL OVER THE FUCKING PLACE. THEN HE FELL AND BROKE HIS TOE. AND THEN PASSED OUT WHEN HE SAW ALL OF THE BLOOD.
I'm telling you, this vagina is really making the rounds lately...
I walked in on him fucking her whilst she ate skittles. I saw things no one should see, but I did get your bra back. You owe me.
Hey, I was just wondering why i dont have a shirt on, why im cuddling with a furnace, why im in my own basement, and where my car is.
Randomize
