just apologized to a random stranger while waiting in line for coffee. last night was that drunk
Why is there a shirtless guy in Walgreens and why is he probably looking for the same thing I am?
He just kept yelling "body massage machine go" at random intervals throughout the night
I like to keep a steady black out going for the holidays. I feel it makes me less cynical
Here's my first problem: I'm drunk
So it turns out that my mom and her dad used to hook up when they were our age
Never been so glad that I look so much like my dad that there's no question as to my paternity
Yeah.. I'm sorry I broke your phone. But in my defense you handed me the frying pan.
So because I got upset you didn't answer I threw my phone in the garbage disposal last night
Yup on the verge of buzzed and drunk. I managed to make my way into my cat's box house to fall asleep. I'm comfortable
The problem I'm having with looking for jobs while drunk is reading is really hard
Turns out both me and my grandpa have a guilty pleasure for South American men.
COVER ME IN BACON THATS MY FETISH
ACTUALLY ITS NOT, I HAVE NO FUCKING IDEA WHAT AWAKENS THE MONSTER BELOW THE BELT
"can you come pick me up from the ikea parking garage i think i slept here"
You ran outside of the party to do the rain dance and swim in puddles
Getting knocked up by someone with a good job and a big dick, okay. I can handle that. Getting knocked up by someone who sells dildos for a living and has a tiny dick, SOMEBODY is losing a pair of balls.
Randomize
