Came home and the girl was sitting on the steps "talking" on her ipod touch AND was halfway done eating a raw cucumber.
Dude my date hates me, Im on a rooftop full of Turkish people, and Ricky Martin is blasting on the radio. I was wrong earlier when I said I have my shit together
mom and dad googled us on the weekend. i love the internet less than i did on friday.
I fucked my boyfriend 15 minutes before my pap test. My gyno probably thinks I hate her.
went for icecream. accidentally deepthroated it. my mom gave me a dirty look, but the kid behind the counter looked impressed
i was actually impressed that she managed to throw up underwater while scuba diving
It was a rude awakening when I turned on my phone and the first thing I saw was a picture of David's dick with a face on it, I need to stop drinking in his basement...
Sorry for scaring your son with my drunken animal impressions
did you seriously make the punch out of vodka and food coloring
i'm going through an 80s music phase. and by phase i mean i will only have sex to white snake
I'm still tasting pancake mix. I think this may actually be a serious medical problem...
URGENT INPUT I'm at a renesance fair after party and I'm 100% lined up to fuck their sword swallower OR their contortionist. Dont say both - which direction doth I roll?
UPS just delivered me 30lbs of dried cherries... I shouldn't be allowed online when I take painkillers.
So the next time I search for "Dragon Dildo" on my phone, I should probably clear the browser before handing my phone to someone and that's the first thing they see haha
Also Fuck you Stephen King and Fuck the horse you rode in on, making me cry In front of my coworkers.
Randomize
