I fink we're distracting them from bumping the proverbial uglies
i feel like i'm waiting in line to date brett michaels
News Flash: Turtles are cuter than Jesus.
Congrats on damning at least 10 generations of your offspring to hell with just one text message. Way to start your morning off right.
I told her Billy Mays couldn't convince me to sleep with her
On my way home from Vegas. Just realized my pants are inside out
we're stoned watching those roller coaster simulators w our hands up screaming on our couch
Yeah. You can ask him out. We're just fuck buddies. My vagina will be sad but your heart can be happy.
He tied me to the bed, fucked me and left me tied up until he proved to his room mates that he actually fucked me. But other than that, best sex ever!
You started drinking at 2:30, did you really think you would be able to remember?
Seriously, you can't give someone's wife an orgasm on the dance floor of a gay nightclub and then hang out with her husband the following week
Pretend you're in a taco. That always helps me sleep.
I think I just got drunk texted by my psychiatrist
These tits shall not be calmed
And on the way out from Applebee's he tried to take the basket of toothpicks claiming he was using them as a tax write off. Last time I babysit my dad on thirsty Thursday.
Justin has passed out on the toilet in a locked stall. Stay tuned for pics.
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