I'm too scared of my Fleshlight to even use it anyway.
I mistook a propane tank for a keg.
Well, I just watched him puke into his pitcher at the bar, I doubt he cares about anything other than the fact that he needs a new beer.
I just ate a bag of doritos while taking a shower. I can now officially do anything
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I had to have my mom pick me up from the party and the windows lock was on so when I went to projectile vomit out the window it wouldn't roll down and it splashed back at my face.
Oh Brad. Your poor brain, always being ignored for your penis and crazy women.
Just pulled a muscle trying to take a naked pic. I think it's time to start working out again.
You better be Eskimo Brother-ing the FUCK out of tonight right now. Long distance 'balls deep' high five
Some drunk guy thought my knee scooter was the sexiest thing he's ever seen. He then proceeded to ask me about duck hunting and decoys...
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
The name of tonight's festivities is hereby decreed to be the "Honey Boo Boo Hootenanny".
You jumped into so many bushes for no reason
I RAN OVER A NUN! I RAN OVER A FUCKING NUN! GOD WILL NEVER FORGIVE ME FOR MY SINS NOW!!!
while on the topic of showers...why is there apple juice in our bathtub?
He passed out before we could have sex. I had no choice but to use his boner to hold my onion rings.
The only thing I want for my birthday is a divorce from you.
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