im going to pretend im pregnant so i can eat a lot then i will accidentally fall down the stairs
my vagina has a 5:00 shadow
it took everything i had not to yell out "your name means death in german!"
I know i'm drunk when the "men" sign on the bathroom sounds chinese
i guess that's what happens when you find your girlfriend at the zoo
I have 250 contacts there has to be someone sober to take me to taco bell
Just painted my nails at the bar... I may be getting too comfortable here.
Pre-drinking/conditioning my liver for this impending hurricane party associated with cat. 2 hurricane Irene. Be ready to roll in a weather channel minute.
We fucked to showtunes. Never going out with a theatre major ever again.
Liquor doesn't fix sad, but it sure as hell lowers my standards for a rebound.
But idk if I cried about life then banged him or banged him and then cried. Chicken or the egg?
Please tell me I was just dreaming when I asked if I could borrow your jesus dildo
man sorry about that. It's like god was willing me to be an asshole. I haven't filled my quota for the day
i refuse to take responsibility for eating Chuck E Cheese pizza and having any other repercussions than the shits.
WE JUST PASSED A FUCKING SPACE SHIP! NOT JOKING! A REAL FUCKING SPACE SHIP! THIS IS NOT THE DRUGS! SPACE! SHIP!
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