I feel like vodka or no vodka, you'd still be trying to button your cat into your comforter
So he told me he didn't have a condom, paused, and then said "so, pulling out" and tried to high five me.
First Thanksgiving as a grown up: My step dad had to take my brother (who still smells like booze) and I both to our cars this morning, apparently we were at the same bars (same stamps), & I think I broke my elbow. Im thankful to be alive & not incarcerated.
Awkward family moment #1: walked in on my 15 yr old nephew packing a bowl. Nephew says- "lets not ruin christmas and keep this our little secret"
He said that he didn't know what level the sun was on, and then he puked.
I don't understand how 5 bottles of booze became normal or acceptable per 2.5 people
My goal for the night is to see your housemate's one lonely teste.
Welcome to stoned Saturday. Full of laser tag and beyonce and awesome
Yeah i was handcuffed to the bed all night but i actually slept like a baby
I do believe that seeing camel toe in leopard print pants at Walmart is the closest I will ever come to going on a safari
Know what I do when I'm in that mood? Whenever anyone talks to me I just hiss like a cat. They go away.
Banging to Billy Joel pandora is like russian roulette. But I made him cum to Let It Be so I we both walked away victors
Our relationship is perfect
90% threatening to punch him in the dick 10% actual dickpunching
he’s basically the devil with a fuck boy hair cut and chlamydia
Dick pics just aren’t doing it for me, this bowl of Mac n cheese and Game of Thrones trump you tenfold
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