I'm trying this new thing, it's called standards
He came in the heat vent in my car. Don't ask how it happened.
The world would have a new energy source if someone would just take a blacklight to the backseat of that slut's car
Peter invited his little brother to smoke with us and he is trying so hard to pretend he's done it before. When he saw the weed he was like "hell yeah!" and everyone got completely silent and just looked at him
Law school is ruining my masturbation schedule.
My suggestion that we all just smoke some weed was greeted with a uncomfrotable silence and a 'maybe later'. These are not our people
tried doing a cartwheel after 10 beers. Guess who has a dislocated shoulder.
Stop giving guys blow jobs because you're no good and it's messing up my sex life. Word gets around & then they think it's me and don't believe me when I say I have a twin. Learn to stuck dick right.
I was trying to fart in my sleep in the hopes that he would leave
The sex was so good I feel like I could run a triathlon, hit big at the casino, and defeat ISIS.
Something tells me tonight will end with me wearing my pants on my head again.
PSA- Wearing assless chaps results in embarrassingly painful sunburn
I need to stop getting so drunk at bowling
skipped tacos for a blowjob. No tacos. No blowjob. More importantly...no tacos. Wtf?
Weird. And pubic lice are now endangered so your hairy balls can rest easy
Randomize
