She has a t-rex face on a stuart little body.
is hooking up with someone you used to babysit wrong?
Nothing better then your mother meeting someone you randomly had sex with and him introducing himself as the guy who rocked her world once.
She's holding my hand. I'm going to kill myself.
the cop then proceeds to point out the "proud parent of a dare graduate" bumper sticker and say well i guess it's time to take that off
The only birthday messages I got from men were from my 8th grade boyfriend and the bouncer at our bar. I think I'm doing something wrong in life.
You made me wash my hair in the kitchen sink while eating bay leaves
I totally cried the whole time and then screamed out my new therapists name....
All these girls I talk to are like I've never had a hangover and I'm like you don't drink right here let me show you
If your mother gets up on the bar again, I will. The bouncer already had a talk with her earlier.
It makes me really sad that some people start their saturdays running or biking instead of with 3 shots of tequila, a sausage biscuit, freaks & geeks and 2 orgasms.
Hey my dad gave me life the least I can do is take him chicken strips and a pack of marlboros.
Watching boy meets world, drinking left over pink panty droppers and coloring in a my little pony coloring book. This is my Monday night
Two of us got arrested. Gonna be delayed a bit. Save me a burger.
I realize that my conversation topics seem to only be about bees and my cross dressing fiance. Thank you for being my friend.
Randomize
