i just realized that no matter how many potstickers i eat, i will never be asian
Do you think my bosses would frown upon Jameson with breakfast on this holiest of days?
I just puked while everyone was releasing balloons. Im to hungover for this memoial service. Rest in peace great gramps.
Not even close. I woke up in the bed of Codys truck. Wrapped up in a sleeping bed, using a stuffed alligator as a pillow. And Alex was laying naked beside me. Not to mention I wasn't wearing the clothes I got there in.
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It's not my theme song, it's my blowjob song. There's a difference.
Would your heart desire to drink copious amounts of alcohol tonight?
So I told him it takes a lot to get me drunk & he said he was the heavyweight champion in college. We high-fived. Obviously I'm the favorite child.
My most recent midlife crisis involved eating a doughnut in 30 seconds but taking 5 minutes to do half a shot of whiskey, then deciding I wasn't going to finish it.
Woke up with two different flip flops on sum burnt at the beach. Who are these French kids plz come back
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That's fine. It's not illegal to bring ham into a museum.
The other night he asked if I had a condom and I said I had an IUD. and he goes OMG A BOMB?
Hey, it's all about finding the bright side. And boobs are definitely a bright side.
You -do- realize there are other things to talk about than just how different parts of you smell like pussy, right?
The fact that u had sex with a Disney prince blows my mind, you're my hero.
Let the record show that I hate your ass.
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