Britney fell asleep on the couch in the foier, got up stripped then pissed on the floor. Then got dressed and went to sleep in it. Also downstairs toilet clogged. Not me. I will be gone by the time you get home from work. Have fun.
I'm at a Rock of Love themed party. New high? New low? I can't tell.
Wait. Scratch that. It's not themed. These girls are just sluts.
talked to my RA about stamps and mailmen again. when do you think she'll realize that i only talk to her when i'm high?
you pulled down your pants to convince a girl you were god
the cab driver asked if you were our mom. you definitely shouldn't have tipped him so much.
Shit, my parents are coming over and I just realized that a grinder is not an acceptable paperweight
i fucking swear, saying shit like "i dont get jealous" is like personally inviting your slutty friend to fuck the guy you slept with like a month ago
On second thought, is it weird that I scheduled a surgery that determines my fertility around lingerie football night? I might have fucked up priorities.
Absolutely not. I would have done the exact same thing.
Can I join you for some emotional "Post: The Ohio State University's first lose in football after a 24 game winning streak" sex?
Because I'm currently dying, lacking waffles, and vaguely convinced I'm an eagle
My mom just told me I look like darth vader. how's your night?
just the thought of you slurpin down noodles really rustles my jimmy
you suck at sexting
we've never stayed at a party for more than an hour. we always end up at a pizzaria. by ourselves. with no friends.
what else are best friends for?
on a scale from 1 to "can't put a toothbrush in your mouth without gagging" how hungover are you?
Please stop telling my mom she doesn't have nipples when she's been drinking. You know shell show you. Forcefully.
Randomize
