This is drunk me apologizing to sober me in advance.. I am sprry about you're trashed house. Mom an dad will be home by 5 so get up and clean. P.s. Mike is in the closet passed out.
Oh I woke up in my neighbors garage using one of their sleeping bags, as my neighbor was doing laundry in there.
could you please explain to me why my jumper cables are on my bedroom floor?
LSD in a sugar cube. Dropped it in my whiskey sour and felt like I was rowing a boat.
we've decided whoever is stupid enough to use the condom that's tacked to the wall deserves to get pregnant.
Whenever I walk away from the group without saying anything, NEVER assume I'm just going to the bathroom.
1) I'm a decent drunk texter. 2) My world is spinning. 3) I'll give you a dollar and a hug for a glass of water. 4) I love you. 5) Example: your penatrive ways are overwhelming my alternative lyfestyle. 6) That is all.
7) Noodle arms: engage
The example was me just using big words while hammered. You're welcome. Ambidextrious. I spelled it right.
I have this rep as a wingman for a reason. I'm like a poon caddy. "You might want to use a 9 iron on this hole. "
I FINALLY GET TO MASTURBATE. SO EXCITED.
Just realized I'm still chewing the same gum post blow job. This Stride shit really has everlasting flavor. They should totally have an ad campaign based on blow jobs.
I'm tired of looking like my mother fucked Chewbacca.
i told her we had a class about unicorns together. i'd say it was a good night
Fuck this virus. We’re finally back on campus but the bars suck parties are banned sports are canceled we eat in our rooms and can’t fucking hangout with anyone. I’m tired of virtual classes and involuntary celibacy
OMG IKR! It’s not college unless we’re puking in a toilet wondering if we’re pregnant or just hungover!
oh dont worry mom i am not sick my cough is from a recent increase in recreational drug use
that will happen
I broke my dick don't ask me how I need help putting in a catheter so I can piss.
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