I'm pants shitting drunk right now
shotgunning a bud heavy is like shotgunning a turkey sandwich
I knew I shouldn't have slept with her...my dick looks like a stegosaurus tail
it was like he was trying to blow his nose in my vagina
finally stumbled home. 4am. made it to the bathroom and threw up. the cat came in,s aw me, looked at the vom in disgust, and then threw up too. its nice to have such sympathetic pets.
his mom found me in the closet hiding and the only thing i could think of was to sit there and wave.
What are you doing? Did I punch you in the face last night?
Your panties and toothbrush are in your mailbox. just not ready to be with anyone serious. take care.
I totally just somersaulted to the bathroom to avoid moving out of my fetal position
I don't know if I should be concerned or impressed.
You never know how much you love your bed until you sleep with 4 other people in your car.
You really could become the cat lady we've always dreamed of.
Do you think I'm short enough to dress up in a ghost costume and go trick or treating and have people believe that I'm actually a child?
Last night at the bar you we're seriously going up to people and pushing through them like they were bowling pins and you were a bowling ball
AND ONCE AGAIN, MY VAGINA HAS STRUCK AGAIN. HER PLANS TO TAKE OVER MARYLAND ARE WELL ON THEIR WAY AS SHE CONTINUES TO ENGULF EVERY QUEER IN A 10 MILE RADIUS
If you're not my stylist, having sex with me, or agreeing to have sex with me don't fucking touch my hair.
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