I'm gonna do things to you that will make the neighbors want to move.
tfor prom could you pick me up wo bottles of champagne and a condom, please?
On my way, I hope you have alcohol for me to blame stuff on...
It was like the Ritz Carlton of jails. I got introduced to our criminal system the right way.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
You kept running into the wall most of the night. When people asked you what you were doing you told them you were the kool-aid man and there was little kids on the other side of the wall who needed your juice
Confidence margaritas not a good idea. Just said foreskin in my presentation instead of foresight.
she was drinking until 3, woke up at 7, shouted 'I'M STILL DRUNK" and went out for a jog in her thong
Also I'm very proud of th fact that I walked my dog before bed. Drunk dog walking should be an Olympic sport; it takes SKILLS.
True but, who really needs money in europe? Just barter with sexual favors. A bowl of cereal is worth a blowjob.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I WILL PAPERCUT YOUR URETHRA YOU DO NOT STEAL A MANS SECOND BIG MAC
I just picked up my phone and one shoe from the man mowing the lawn next to the ice rink. He found them in a tree.
Tackling and headbutting friends, running away and hiding from everyone, attempting to streak across campus, and then waking up with no sign of a hangover... happy 21 to me
You had me at "let me see your balls"
I have like three friends I don't have sex with, what did you expect
...and now I welcome the sweet embrace of death.
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