chick flicks and taylor swift songs are like porn for desperate singles
Life lesson: when driving and throwing up, choose a paper bag over plastic. Fuck my life.
Just remembered I told my boss that matt used to make me toss his salad like every time we hooked up. Nice
We just followed a woman home because she looked like Jeff Goldblum. Turns out she lives in a trailer park.
She's coming to town, taking me to a Suns Game, wants Anal, and knows we're not going to date, I imagine this is what heaven is like
I will never try to masturbate with americas funniest home videos playing in the background ever again
I woke up from my nap, looked out my window, and saw about bout 6 people get tasered in less than 20 seconds.....could someone please tell me what's going on.
I got kicked out of a mexican restaurant last night for being too drunk. This is getting dangerously close to rock bottom
the condom is still stuck, that's what I get for being responsible
We hit a deer while we were singing an acapella version of "I will always love you"
Pretty sure I'm about to get another tattoo. It'll have mom in there somewhere for Mother's Day.
I woke up in the bathtub with money shoved down my pants. I must've done something right.
You were so fucked you introduced me to a pile of Laundry
I wondered why I slept in the front room
Going through his web history. 10 hours ago he searched "how to put on condom with your teeth" I think I'm getting it tonight.
Mass text: You have all failed me. How have the people I loved so much let me go so long in life without ever eating a McRib sandwich?!
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