i wish i could google "things to eat in my fridge" so i wouldnt have to go downstairs and be disappointed
I'm drinking away my Christmas cash. People are going to get bar receipts as presents.
I can die happy now, I have been kicked out of strip clubs on six different continents
stayed up to watch the sunrise..saw an albino taking shots on the quad..it's like there's a whole new world of people out there just waiting to meet us
If youre the one that ate my brownies this morning I only have two things to say to you
Those had pot in them
And good luck on your interview asshole
peeing on that welcome mat was like, the highlight of my week
So when you said you wanted to make a clay replica of my boobs and hang it above your bed you actually meant it?
Btw, whenever you feel discouraged about your life, think about me being frantically upset bc my mobile porn site limited me to only 5 videos a day
I hate that you live in a gated community. I feel your guard judges me every time I go to your house at 3 am an leave at 5am
I tripped over a vacuum cleaner and fell into a beer pyramid
Some chick asked if she could eat me because I'm dressed as a taco. I introduced her to RJ. Best Wingman.
Like I'm literally drinking whiskey and making a stocking for my cat right now. What. Goes. On.
the best part of christmas was when my mom opened the handcuffs that were supposed to be for jen. Surprisingly, not the most awkward situation of the day.
I'm about to make existential crisis tacos.
I've seen you go skiing on a Tuesday, but you think you're too good for TGI Friday's?
Randomize
