So bad night, ended up beating off to porn and eating Keebler elf cookies.... at the same time :-(
I just sneezed and it tasted like taco bell.
Lauren will drop me off I'll be drunk ride you for a little bit and then you can go to sleep
sorry. that wasn't for you
How did you steal an entire pie?
I don't know. It's in my purse.
I made friends with a raccoon. I pet it. Like I was Pocahontas.
just had to re-breakup with her. it was like shooting a dead horse that was crying and talking.
I woke up to him eating me out, listening to classical music.
i honestly don't know why someone didn't cut me off after i broke the ceiling lamp with MY HEAD
He set an alarm on my phone to an infant screaming and puking to make sure i take my pill. its working.
Right... Let's keep my vodka tinged mind focused on simple words
He went to WalMart with $30 and came back with a watch, a basketball and an engagement ring.
He got cut off by the bartender. So he kept buying people drinks of they would i get him a drink. Before you know it him and 8 people were outside the bat trying to get people. To by them drinks
It's like he drunk calls 6 times for me to come over, but can't say hello at lunch.
he can get married early and ruin his life but he sure as hell isn't ruining mine with a shitty bachelor party
The secret to finals week is to have an orgasm for every point you need on the test before you take it.
Randomize
