I guess I fist pumped too hard. I hit my mom in the face and now we're sitting in the ER.
When we told the nurse what happened, she replied with "OH, Well you don't look Italian to me!"
You tried to tell me you weren't high while you were eating French onion dip out of the jar with a spoon
And there are taco shells on the ceiling fan
he just asked if we wanted to go to an arts and crats club with him tomorrow. every day it becomes harder for me to defend his sexuality
My therapist is concerned about your alcoholism.
They have chocolate covered tequila candy at work. This is not a drill. May be drunk by noon.
you're a fucking everclear ninja. the whole goddamn formal blacked out. you're the worst dj ever
but I'm the best friend ever. I got you laid
He stopped mid-sex to read the subtitles on a Korean movie we had playing in the background.
I think my greatest accomplishment today was probably using a bottle opener to get the cap off my fourth drink while holding the cat WITHOUT dropping him.
Oh god, what has my life become?
I'll get you through man, I'll be your fairy godmother with better prescription drugs
Highlight of my night: you taking that shot of garlic butter and then throwing the empty container down on the stairs and saying FUCK.
Have a glass of wine with dinner they said. Your hydrocodone has worn off they said... NOPE
We just stood there eating chocolate chip pancakes, watching you sleep on the bathroom floor.
Babe if there was a way to give a back rub and head at the same time that's what I would ask for my birthday, Christmas and of course right now. Please think about how and get back to me.
I stared at his dick and then told him to get on his knees
Randomize
