He wants to be 'in an open relationship'. Fuck that. That's the online equivalent of letting him pee in a circle around me.
I was going to call you an awful person for that. but then i realized we're both awful people.
Really* awful people.
I'm going to be blunt here. I don't actually care what you're doing tonight. I just need to know if I need to shave or not.
I like to think of it as a lesbian feast.
Did you get my bra back of the bartender?
I seriously think we need to revision your idea of 'keeping a low profile'
He ate me out in the forest at that park we used to hit my bong in highschool again, somehow this isn't what I pictured being 25 would be like
YES. YOU ARE GOING TO HAVE SEX WITH ME WHILE I SING LES MIS.
Step 1: chug a red bull vodka with no ice Step 2: chase that with a shot of wild turkey Step 3: chase that with a shot of tequila
Step 4: your drunk
I woke up snuggling a bottle of water while Hercules played on Netflix. Whiskey Wednesdays
I'm excited I love mornings when I'm not sober
I also just stashed a half dozen bobby pins in my bra.... So when you take it off later, consider yourself warned
Threw up in hyvee parking lot. Thanksgiving shopping complete.
I left my ice cream out over night, it's melted, fuck this, I just poured Bailey's in it. Problems solved.
Today would have been my 8th wedding anniversary and I woke up with a hot European guy in my bed. Divorce has it's perks.
Nice. I got home at like 3am.stopped at Walmart for a vacuum and weirdly a trash can. Not sure why high me last night needed a new trashcan.
Randomize
