He chugged from a bottle of wine and then we had pretend sex
How do you have pretend sex?
It was bad...so it was pretend
she went to pee and i could hear her singing "Drip Drip Drop LIttle April Showers" from Bambi through the door.
the only good thing about these hospital visits are the free pregnancy tests
Woke up this morning buried in a mountain of chex mix and bubble wrap. We must have been doing something great last night
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I ordered a million chicken go wraps and they gave me five. Even when im drunk I can count to a million and know its not five. They fucked me.
You tripped over nothing.. everyone stopped what they were doing and stared..you stood up and yelled "you win this time gravity"..then started chugging someone's drink
Came back with a random sweatshirt, an American flag, and a for sale sign. Mission success?
She told me she loved my new hairstyle. I told her its called head head.
Sunday mornings are confusing. Like. I can't decide if I want to go for a run or start drinking
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm trying to get laid this Halloween, not inspire the next season of AHS
I found dried jizz from last night on my leg while feeding an infant a bottle. I am not fit to care for children
Never doubt me. I am drunk and unstoppable and I will finish this book
I'm still drunk dear. I just woke up 3 feet from the front door with 20 dollars worth of taco bell in my hands.
The cop asked me why my pants were around my knees when he woke me from the sink, i replied "Officer, my underwear is still on, nothing bad happened" then he nodded in acknowledgement and we carried on with the paper work.
The people above me are fucking to Miley Cyrus
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