I'm walking behind a man wearing a womans shirt, heels, mens pants and a baseball hat
I hate cats. They're so curious, it's not their damn business.
Yeah, it was all fun and games until I realized that it wasn't my tent, and I had no idea who those people were
I can't believe I just compared my penis to a St. Bernard.
I'm going to pre plan my black out tonight. I think I'll set a change of clothes out on my bed and unplug the oven.
He had seven beers and tap-danced on the table like a pro. HOW DOES HE DO IT
Haha, you avoided her at all costs. And then she shoved her tits in your face
And that's why we do second round interviews for possible roommates.
I'm a complete klutz, especially when I get excited. I pee a lot too. I'm like a puppy except I don't pee in the floor.
Wanna get mid day margaritas tomorrow if I'm still alive
Single lady's Saturday night: eat doritos, masturbate, eat more doritos. Do shot of Jager. Repeat until desired result is achieved.
He said my vagina is harder to escape than the Temple of Doom.
Potholders are an underrated garment. Especially naked.
I passed out in my bed, but woke up on the dog bed,with no pants, snuggling with toilet paper and a bottle of softsoap. Ive hit a new low.
I'm eating ice cream out of my purse
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