just went onto Yahoo and the featured article had a picture of one of the Jonas brothers. last two times the featured article was a celebrity's face the headline was "Michael Jackson is Dead" and "Pitchman Billy Mays is Dead" so naturally I got a little excited. Turns out he's just engaged. Who gives a fuck.
I think most guys look at porn as a fallback career. I mean I know I do.
I walked downstairs and he was standing in nothing but his boxers with his dick hanging out warming up eggs in the microwave.
I also tried to drunkenly adopt a kitten last night. It didn't pan out.
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I just realized I have yet to puke in your new apartment. Clearly we're doing something wrong. On my way over with Cuervo as I type.
The investigator asked if we were sharing a pitcher of margaritas. I corrected him and explained that we each had our own.
It looks like sephora exploded on his dick, so i assumed I was the second girl that gave him head that night.
One of my friends took me out last night for a bday celebration and I just now remembered that a man blew fire balls across the bar in honor of my birthday... How drunk do you have to be to forget that?
Whiskey and an unstable home life is apparently the fountain that 20-something boys like to drink from.
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We had hangover sex and then I called a taxi home. Told him I didn't want his number because, if it was meant to be, we would fuck again. He called me the queen of one night stands.
I'm watching the World Cup in bed naked with john and our USA flag aviator glasses. Can you say America?
He asked if I was a pirate because my "arrrrrrrrse" was worth burying. 10/10 for effort, 20/10 for serial killer vibes.
If you fuck up my birthday by dying I will kick your fucking corpse.
i just cleaned my bong... I do not feel healthy
The dog destroyed my vibrator and swallowed several pieces. Vet gave us a laxative so now I’m checking lots of dog shit and having no orgasms. Plus the cute vet knows I don’t get enough dick, so that’s just great
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