i was just outside smoking and i saw a hooker sing "i wish i knew who your daddy was" to her new born baby. someone explain to me why i ever left chicago to go to college...
I've had that scene from "Parenthood" where Rick Moranis' character is singing "Close To You" to his wife in classroom, stuck in my head all morning.
I guess my mind is just wondering whatever happened to Rick Mornais.
Eww. Jon Gosselin got both his ears pierced.
He looks like a bad one night stand.
Turns out, Windex will cut right through semen stains on a computer case.
she came to the game with a camelback filled with booze. except it was only the bag part so she duct taped to her back
My "Week Of Not Checking Into OK Cupid So I Don't Hook Up With Another Fat Chick" lasted four hours. On the plus side, she was the smallest one yet.
This is stressing me out. I feel like I need to eat the dick.
You'd be amazed at how difficult it is to find pics of the helicopter dick
I am very proud of your internet skills
Moral of the story: don't have drunken shower sex with the lights off...or you WILL break your foot. And the shower knobs.
i feel like i should invite him over so he can cockblock my roommate one last time before he graduates. for old times sake, ya know
Hey I know you're not home, but I'm here. Your front door is unlocked and someone took shit on your doormat...
I really feel like I should slow down on the getting hammered. I told a bartender on "Taco Tuesday" that a $3 margarita was too expensive. And proceeded to have a $70 tab.
he left a full can of coors light underneath my windshield wiper, like a love note. if that's not husband material, i don't know what is
But really, someone with a penis give me attention before I start posting nudes on Instagram.
We are taking a shrt nap on the sidewalk cme fine me if you want but dont wake me up
Randomize
