my mom just walked in on me furiously masturbating while reading twilight. needless to say, im officially out of the closet.
I feel kinda awkward using the Sesame Street themed Google to search for hot young pussy...
Just heard her singing at the school concert... I am honored my penis was touched by those pipes
there was this guy running across campus barefoot in the pouring rain stepping in all the puddles. i want his life. and i want to be stripper.
I dont think a "sorry ive slept with most of your teammates" text will do much
Rain ponchos don't count as shirts at the bar. FYI.
He stood up, threw the bag of bud between me and Tory, yelled "Fight" and then ran upstairs for the pizza
You called my nipples compassionate. What does that even mean?
I just added a bunch of arbitrary options to my ouija board. Ghosts can now tell me "cheddar," "the homosexual agenda," "the whole foods vegan aisle," or "viable offspring"
Fuck I forgot the furry convention was this weekend and now I'm downtown. Way too high for this shit.
I don't know how guys can take themselves seriously when they see themselves naked
Remember how we use to say "this will be the year I'll get my shit together!" And like we stopped doing that because we know that isn't happening anytime soon.
I ordered from the drive thru as i was peeing on the menu
You’re welcome stay at my house. But, you gotta piss in the toilet
Omg dude take a shower. You'll feel like god washed away all the sinful shit we did last night.
Randomize
