I want to make a zoo with you.
Henry's handball, Tiger Wood's Car Crash, Roger Federer losing ... That's it....I'm throwing my Gillete away
Do you know how hard it is to masturbate with a runny nose?
The Wii Fit is already telling me I'm an alcoholic.
Apparently I was pointing at birds and yelling "YOU USED TO BE A DINOSAUR!!!"
I thought it was a drawer and tried to pull it out and it wasnt a drawer it was the police call button. I hate everything.
I just want to like fall into a pit of hot wings beside a keg of yingling and eat my way to freedom
He's like a fucking cake pop, the greatest thing in the world while it lasts, but it never lasts for long enough
If I wear a tail on Halloween, how am I supposed to grind? Maybe I will just wear devil horns
I tried to open a bottle of wine with toenail clippers last night. So this morning was obviously rough.
just give up on your dreams and come get shit house drunk with me.
Ya know, one would think a restraining order would keep me from fucking my ex.
Stop talking and go back to bed. You're in the kitchen in your underwear and slept in your car.
When the nurses wouldn't let him smoke in the hospital he decided to just roll around on the floor.
He told his wife he was too old to pretend to be straight. She tried to argue. He walked two tables over and was like this is my highschool sweetheart and he's an excellent fuck, we're running away together. It was epic.
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