dude i woke up laying next to some guy. i dont have my bra or his name. he has a nice tv though.
Police were just in my backyard to recover a loaded .38. What the fuck?????
It's a good thing i didn't end up pregnant...i would have had to figure out his last name.
Dude..her orgasm sent her into a seizure...theres no joke here. It happened.
The voicemail says i shouldn't bother ever showing my face there again, i don't understand
We visited your boss last night. guess you wont be paying the rent this month, eh?
i drank out of a bidet.
Can we put your name for the shipping address for penis ice luge?
I was lying there too hungover to move when my dog jumped onto my bed and set half a calzone on my pillow. Best. Dog. Ever.
I forgot if I was chewing my gum or my tongue
It's going to be so weird waking up tomorrow morning fully rested completely sober and not covered in piss or bruises.
I feel like there is something fundamentally wrong with me as a woman. My initial text to you was "What's up, fuck bucket?"
well I tackled her when she was going to go upstairs because I was convinced that the house was haunted. You gotta stick together in horror movies.
I spent the entire night stroking his hair. He was cool with it. Never thought a ginger stoner would help me work through my social anxiety but here we are.
Well you should have thought of that before you were reckless with your butt
Basically I will actually need a reindeer pulled sleigh to make it to all the penises in one night.
Randomize
