So ignoring my calls doesnt work if you update your facebook a minute later.
I just realized i masturbated to the home shopping network. I either need to get a boyfriend asap, or a subscription to a porn website, or i just need to stop taking ambien
Absolutely. Last time I signed up for a softball league I had sex with my high school economics teacher.
does the girl puking in my garbage belong to you?
Got in a bar fight defending Prince. Thought you ought to know. He gets his dick sucked cooking eggs for breakfast.
Fyi your toilet is not contaminated. We'd have to scissor pretty hard to pass what I got.
He was just lying in his underwear like a present. I had to unwrap it.
I'm gonna try Jim's breakup remedy this weekend.
Is that the one where you drink 3 cases of beer and rewatch as much WWE RAW as you can find? Or the one where you hookup with fatties on Craigslist?
You wanted to go find him and we told you to sit down cause you kept stumbling. You yelled " I CAN STAND!! It's the walking part I can't figure out!"
well a fat roach just fell out of my hair. so there's that
I am literally sitting here with a jar of Nutella and a spoon, reading an article called "never drink alone again because now there's wine for cats." How single am I?
I can't feel the bottom half of my face but i feel like our sex would be amazing
After you smoke one night. Just whisper in a barely audible voice, "Grey Poupon"
He told me that when he bends me over that chair I remind him of a bull rider. So thanks for being the ex that helps my present sex life
Sometimes i wish my vagina automatically turned itself off when i'm legally drunk.
Randomize
