I got my nipple pierced! I love it so much!
Well, there goes breastfeeding.
My 3rd grade teacher, who was also my fav, thought i was in prison. That seriously upsets me.
no, didnt close...
What?! she made the first move and invited you back to her place. thats like striking out in t-ball pathetic...
He told me he loved me mid lick. Anyone that can look at me from that angle, lick my vagina, and say they love me must absolutely mean it
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Theres a fat guy wearing a speedo. Someone just got puked on, and didnt even react. Whats happening?
She had one drink in her cleavage and another in her hand. She kept rotating between the two by leaning backward and then sipping the one in her hand.
By the third Id pass back i figured the bouncer had fucked one of us.
No, you don't understand. If the words "stop," "alcohol poisoning," and "regret" aren't in the same sentence by the end of the night, I will have failed this birthday.
I'm taking a leave of absence and sending myself to fat camp. I'll let you know when I'm out.
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My walk of shame wasn't complete until I projectile vomited clutching my truck bumper while he just smiled with that look of regret.
Named all the presidents in order between puke sessions while semi conscious so that's a thing I can do now
It was the easiest thing I've ever done. 3am she walked into my room, saw my Buffalo Bills blanket, said go bills and got naked.
I’m literally watching say yes to the dress, eating fancy cheeses with crackers, and I have orange dark chocolates. All of which is being washed down with merlot. And I’m 100% sure a porno is gonna go down next door tonight. They don’t have a car and arrived via taxi. Happy holidays from motel 6 Pendleton Oregon!
What’s the level of adulting when you reschedule a dentist appointment to have a threesome?
I often wonder if we’re introverted extroverts, but I don’t think so. I think we’re just easily tired scumbags
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