I'm trapped in whichever ring of hell is populated by inbred yokels and type 2 diabetes.
I am currently sitting on a candy bar to warm it up cause it was in the fridge so I can eat it while watching the last song and smoking weed by myself
You've got the short couch unless you find some girl to take you home
My roommate's all sad and is crying and the chick I want to bang is in the room and Nic Cage is on fire. What the fuck.
Just 30 Funny Tumblr Posts About Starbucks
Do you know what's great about Canada?..... There will always be a Tim Hortons on my walk of shame route
I feel like I just gave a blowjob to a freight train.
If you're wondering where your left shoe is you lost it in a bet with a homeless guy last night
Are you having sex right now? Or is the apt just swaying rhythmically on its own? Either way, awesome.
So, I'm tripsitting Ruben cause he's on LSD, and he's starting to eat the chair because 'it is evil' according to him... I can't choose: should I stop him or film it?
18 People Are Kind Of A**holes But Also Completely Hilarious
The guy at the ER said it was the first time he's given stitches for a funneling accident. Then he seemed upset that I took pride in that...
Breakfast of champions
Is that a dick crepe?
It is indeed
I was about to google "rabies and sexual activity." Then I realized I was at work.
We were in a bathroom while 4 dudes compared dick piercings.
1) break up with him. 2) feel bad. 3) fuck some other guy. 4) feel better. Boom! Life plan. You're welcome.
I think I'm just going to get a farm, a vibrater, and a lot of wine.