tonight is going to be epic. can you pre-book an ambulance?
he had two deer mounted on his dorm room wall with panties and bras hanging from the antlers... i cant believe i contributed to bambi's headgear...
There's limited edition cherry vanilla nyquil. It's like they know how much I hate myself and they're giving me a consolation prize.
im sitting in a tub with a sombrero on.. im just kind of confused.
i mean, i stole her boyfriend and beat her snake score on facebook within 48 hours. not her week.
I remembered to bring wine in a nalgene bottle, but I forgot sunscreen and water. I'm starting to question my life decisions.
Im sorry for drunkenly throwing your phone into the ocean. At the time it seemed like a good way for you not to text him
Sex last night was mind blowing. your wife is one lucky lady.
I was high last night eating a fudge bar and making eggs with toast and corned beef hash for a 2 am snack and my dad asked what I was and the only reply I could think of was "I'm an adult."
It got weird the panthers lost and we started throwing wings at one another
Like if Ohio doesn't think I can get smashed on wine I will gladly prove them wrong
I'm not saying I love you. I never said I love you. I said that if earth blew up like Krypton you'd be the only person I would like to have inside me when our bodies burn up in a fiery inferno
Just because I also want a blowjob doesn't mean I don't want to just see you too.
Plus you need some new dick in your life, the environment is fucked enough you don’t have to recycle anymore 😂💀
Let’s be real here. NOTHING says Real Adulting like rolling a J on your line of credit paperwork.
Randomize
