I called the bartender Mr. Intoxication last night. He thought it was funny until i threw up and blamed it on him
Do you think there are girls out there that really do like small penis?
He was so confused why there was a string hanging out of my vagina.
I'll be waiting for you under the stairs with peanut butter and tequila ... Don't tell the neighbors
Finally jerked of with a banana peel.
You've been drinking wine and eating bacon all afternoon. HOW IS THAT DOING GOOD?!?!
I woke up to him pissing in their fireplace with fairy wings on.
What happened to the good old days when we whispered the words beer pong and people came running?
I took her to the bar and boom. All of my past slump busters were there. Shes cool enough to know what that means and said she was afraid they'd eat her so we left.
Is she still in your room?
Not for long. My plan is to smoke her out like a small woodland creature.
I knew you were super hungover. But so hungover you fire our house cleaner because her vacuums too loud is excessive
Hey, dude, is Kevin still passed out on your porch?
Yeah. I'm gonna go leave a pitcher of bloody mary next to him in case he's still alive.
Me and my liver are not on speaking terms.
Cover your peen. We're going out.
I would like you to know, a bag of cheese cubes just attacked me at work.
Randomize
