I'm so fucking centered right now
I love being friends with rich people. I get laid by association.
i have nine cents in my fucking bank account... not even a dime
Walked home this morning with my contacts in a shot glass.
First class.
that awkward moment when your booty call gets snowed in at your place.
yo your bro wants to know what time he got home and were you hosing him off
I was too sleepy and drunk to verbally annihilate anyone and ruin their reason for being. So i just opted to sleep with the fitted sheet on the floor
I just remember being happy that I got that toilet fixed so I had somewhere close to throw up
I found a half composed text to you this morning and all it said was HELP M. Is that how I ended up at the bottom of the stairwell in only a tee-shirt and one heel?
considering I never received the text I would go with 'yes'.
BING! You are now free to move about my panties. He just left for work.
Nearly got hit by a blue bell ice cream truck. Can I count on you to make plenty of puns like "her life was sweet, and so was her death" at my funeral if that was to happen?
if the furniture in my bedroom wasn't shape shifting... this would be a different story.
So right before she was about to give me head she tapped the tip and said "Is this thing on" I think I'm in love.
I woke up with chocolate melted between my tits. I'd say that's a win for all parties involved.
She's the queen of dating. She managed to get a date with a guy who saw her puke five times in two hours.
Randomize
